As I sat down to write this post, I just now realized that tomorrow will mark 10 months since the unexpected death of my father. Ten whole months. It’s simultaneously been an incredibly long and also painfully quick ten months, and it’s hard to believe it’s already November.
That being said, I’ve been trying to equip myself with plenty of self-care tools because I know the next two months will bring a lot of anniversaries. A lot important dates, milestones.
- Later this month, I turn 28. It will be my first birthday, in my entire life, without my Dad.
- Thanksgiving, while not a holiday I’d typically celebrate with him, will be my first without Dad.
- Christmas Eve – which will mark one year since the last time I saw my Dad alive. We went to his apartment last Christmas Eve and I spent three and a half hours putting together a TV stand that my sister and I bought him. Little did I know that would be the last time I would see him alive. I wish I’d taken more photos of him, of us, together.
- Then Christmas, the first Christmas without Dad.
- Then December 31, which I believe will mark a year since the last time I spoke to my Dad. I think I called him; I remember hearing that he’d left work early a few days prior because he supposedly wasn’t feeling well — so I called him, while at the arena, waiting for a game, and said (half-jokingly) “Should I be worried about you?” I’ll never forget his nonchalant attitude, his affirmation – “No, no, it was a misunderstanding, I’m fine.” Just a few days after that conversation, he died.
- January 1. A new year, 2019. A calendar year in which my Dad has never, and will never, be alive.
- January 4, which will mark the one-year anniversary of his death.
- January 12, his birthday. He would’ve been 61. Also, the one-year anniversary of his funeral.
Also – no specific date, but hopefully very soon we’ll be able to finally close my dad’s estate.
I’m trying to prepare myself, as I know these days will not be easy. Maybe they won’t be as tough as I’m thinking, but I can’t know until I’ve reached them. So I’m trying to take care of myself and do what I need to get through the next few months. I’m actually heading to a “Grief and the Holidays” meeting/workshop this coming week that I hope will give me some skills/tools to deal with everything.
I just have to take it one day at a time.